Last year I spent a week in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital after my failed suicide attempt. It was not a high point of my life. I did not want to be there and I was still very mad at myself for failing to kill myself. The first two days were very rough. I was antagonistic and uncooperative towards my assigned doctor, I avoided group therapy, and I refused my medications. I know the hospital staff is very familiar with how I was acting. I am not the first person to be involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward. Here in Florida, when you are involuntarily admitted, it is required by law to be observed for a minimum of seventy-two hours. I figured I’d do my 72 and get out. It was a very angering and shocking feeling to find out that in addition to the seventy-two hours, the doctor’s approval was also necessary.
I fought the system. And by fought the system, I mean that I complained to anyone that would listen, but of course to no avail. I did find out, however, that I could have a “court” hearing and present my case. If I made a good enough case, they would have to let me go. The proceedings were held right there at the hospital, in the psychiatric ward. My doctor was recommending I stay there for two weeks. I was going to fight that with everything in my power. I had no intention of staying in the hospital for two weeks.
By the time my hearing was scheduled I had complied with the doctor’s suggestion of taking the prescribed medications and I was participating in group therapy. I was sleeping better, eating my meals, and interacting with other patients. Surely, I thought, they’d have to let me go because of the progress I was making, or pretended to be making, or fooled myself into thinking I was making. I met with my public defender and he informed me that the judge (magistrate) usually sides with the doctor, but whatever I wanted to do, he would plead my case. He made it clear that he worked for the patient and his job was to make sure my rights were not violated and that my voice was fairly heard.
The ‘trial’ began. The doctor went first after the swearing in process and the explaining of the proceedings. She pointed out my anger, my desire to die, my disappointment that I failed at killing myself, her opinion that I should not be released because I posed a threat to myself and others, and that I should stay in the hospital for two more weeks. She said a lot of things for which I had no defense. My defender asked for the tape recorder to be stopped for a moment to confer and ask me if I still wanted to proceed with my request to be released immediately. If that got denied, the magistrate would most likely take the doctor’s suggestion of keeping me locked up for two weeks. I asked my defender if I could counter with offering to stay for a week and have another hearing at that time. He suggested it to the judge. The judge asked the doctor if that was fine with her. The doctor said yes.
I was to be stuck there for a week but I felt like I achieved a victory at the hearing. I guess we can call it a plea bargain. But in any event, I did feel like I won something. At the time I still wasn’t very happy about being alive, but every little victory helped, even an artificial victory. Being put in the hospital was one of the worst experiences of my life, but it was the beginning of getting better. It is what I needed at that time. It’s been a rough road so far and there’s a million miles left to go, but I think I’m on the right track. And I’m still alive, that’s pretty good, too.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far. I will never be all the way “better”. In other words, I’ll never be the person I used to be, I have to learn how to be who I am now. The PTSD, the depression, the bad sleep and whacky dreams will likely be with me the rest of my life. The anger issues, the paranoia, the hyper vigilance is all going to be there for a long time. It’s who I am now and I have to accept it and learn to live with it. It’s not always easy, but I can learn to live with those things, manage them, and overcome some of the symptoms and find my new normal.
As bad as that week in my life was, the hospital stay wasn’t a complete disaster in that I did get some great stories to tell and met some interesting people. Crazy people, but very interesting. I’ll have to tell some of those stories in a later blog post about daily life in the hospital and the people I met, both patients and staff. Of course, I won’t use real names, but some of the stories are too funny not to tell. And those stories will be much more lighthearted than some of the more recent ones. So, stay tuned. You never know what’s coming next in the Story of My Life.
Thanks for reading. Good day, God bless.
Dave
Story of My Life 
It really is hard to believe that you are going through the same things I am going through. I just keep it very well hidden but I honestly don’t know how long I can keep up with the façade. I haven’t committed suicide and only because I don’t want to fail so I keep going through what I call a disastrous life of mine. I have so much to say about all of this but know you are not alone and I am and always be one of your battles. I will say this – so much more happen @ Camp Bucca that I kept inside for a long time. love always SSG Mac
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Don’t put off getting help. As bad as it sucked, it helped me. And I’ve seen it help others.
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Some of these things that stay with us for the rest of our lives can really be helpful. I grew up in an abusive home and also have hyper-vigilance. It has become a great advantage in seeing life as it really is. I’m guessing a number of these things that you’ve acquired in this process will make you a much better person than you once were.
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I hurt to hear of your struggles but understand the need to accept what is now your new normal. It’s true that you can never go back to who your once were. Thank you for taking time to share your struggles.
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Who knows, the new normal may end up being better than the old one.
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This! This is all of our hope. And I do believe that by telling your story and reaching out to others, that will, in fact, be the result.
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That’s the plan. 🙂
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A beautiful, honest post. What you said here – “I’ll never be the person I used to be, I have to learn how to be who I am now” – really resonated with me. I am constantly trying to be the person that I was instead of accepting things for how they are now.
Looking forward to hearing your stories!
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Thank you.
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Saddens me that anyone has felt this desperate. I write poems about my past. I spent 19 years in an abusive marriage. I am lucky to be alive. It took years to unpack the baggage that was piled on me. I am glad to be here and am looking forward to my first grandchild. I pray you experience a release yourself.
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Thank you.
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hey, the ‘new normal’ is the best normal to be … welcome 😉
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Every day changes each of us in some way. We must all learn to adjust to life as it comes at us. I commend you for trying…what you went through surely was not easy, but you are here for some reason Dave. Some of question that reason for many, many years and may never quite get the answer. It helps to keep seeking though. Blogging is cathartic–for me anyway. And this blogging family so healing. Sometimes a pet can help with PTSD too! ❤
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Writing has become my best therapy. And I agree, there is some encouragement in reading other’s blogs.
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You’re also proof that mandated treatment saves lives.
Thank you for having the courage to tell tour story.
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I know it saved my life. Sucked at the time, but it was good for me.
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Right. I wonder sometimes if part of it is just not knowing how to ask for help. I was placed on a 72 hour hold. I was resentful and relieved.
In retrospect what I really resented was feeling so vulnerable.
Good post. It makes me think.
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Thank you. I write for my own therapy. I share in case it helps someone else.
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That’s the best work…:)
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Dave, thank you so much for sharing this! Don’t know why I did not follow you earlier! I want to say thank you for being one of my first followers. It means a great deal. I can related to the funny stories of other people. My hospital stint was not as recent as yours, but I think now I might be emotionally ready to go back and write about what psych ward life was like. I also understand how being in the hospital is memory that will stick with you forever. Your new normal has meaning though, I hope you do realize. You survived and found an outlet that will hopefully inspire others to come out and tell their own story, but also shed light on a topic that many are not fully aware of – the military, PTSD, the psychological impact of war. My biological father did two tours in Vietnam as a front-liner. Back then PTSD was’nt really part of the conversation. He hung himself in the basement when my mom was three month pregnant with me, so I never got the chance to meet him. my mother has him buried so deep in her psyche that she never told me much about him and any mention of him is taboo. I can not imagine what you have gone through. Keep writing. It can be very healing, as i’m sure you know.
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Clearly I did not proof my comment, oh well!
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