Crossroads

My world no longer spins on its axis, my mind has thrown it off kilter.

The light and dark still come around, but now they fight for control.

Consistency is absent from my thoughts, stability does not exist.

 

The sea is calm in the distance, but the waves chomp and crash the shore.

Don’t believe everything you see on the surface, the ocean is deep.

And the rip current can only be felt when you are trapped in it.

 

The Crossroads don’t have to be the dangerous decision here today.

The hardest resolution would be to just keep moving forward, either road.

The choice doesn’t matter, it’s been made already, just move forward.

(Crossroads, by David George, March 2016)

*****

I’m at a crossroads in my life. It’s been a long time since I’ve ‘had it all together’ and now it’s unclear to me if I ever will again. I’m really not sure it’s a crossroads as much as it is a deep, engulfing pit of my own thoughts and fears where I drown myself daily. Our minds can be our own worst enemies at times and mine is certainly on the attack lately. I’m not sure how to fight back. It’s my mind. It’s not supposed to be my enemy. But there it is killing me, over and over.

In this blog in the last couple months I’ve shared things about my military service, PTSD, depression, and attempted suicide. I’ve been through a lot and what I’ve shared here only barely scratches the surface. I feel like I’m at war with the Veteran’s Administration. I haven’t worked in three months. I have little motivation most days. And my marriage is over, she moved out last week. But that last point has been a long time coming.

I have very few emotions in general about the marriage dissolving. But with that comes certain realizations that I need to address with myself. There is actually some relief in all this, but there are also overwhelming issues that I will have to deal with. And I’m scared of failing. I have never feared failure. Most of the things I’ve done in my life have a certain degree of risk and I’ve never been afraid to lose. But when I do, I get back up and keep going or do something different. But this isn’t a business, or a job, or a military exercise. I have my kids with me. Failure here would be the worst thing ever. And as my wife so kindly pointed out in an email, I have quit or failed at everything I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t see it that way, but it’s nice to know that others do. (sarcasm intended).

Let me give an example of the perception of success and failure. How many years will it be before another NFL quarterback walks off to retirement after a Super Bowl victory like Peyton Manning did? Was Dan Marino a failure since he never won a Super Bowl even though he had passing records that took many years to break? Are the Buffalo Bills the biggest losers ever in NFL history, losing four Super Bowls in a row? Just some things to ponder.

Every one of my failures in life have had some element of success or adventure or life experience that I wouldn’t trade. The only way to appreciate and truly recognize success is to know what failure tastes like. But this is completely different. If I fail with my kids, there is no getting up off the floor and moving on to something else, something new, something different. My kids are my world, my life. And I’m scared to death. I don’t take this lightly. I’m doing my best to keep these thoughts from consuming me. So far, so good. I think. It’s still early I guess.

I know this post is a little different from my other ones. I always share things that are somewhat personal, but I don’t usually share things of this matter out in the open. But I do write for my own therapy and I really needed to put this down somewhere. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Good day, God bless.

Dave

P.S. Week one went well. All children accounted for and still breathing.  🙂

 

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32 thoughts on “Crossroads

  1. Hey Roommate, I think your writings are a form of therapy for you, your words are deep, not sad though, I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. But with Prayer I have no doubt that you will be fine. I know for a fact that you are not a failure. Your life is no different from mine or anyone else. Life to me is like the four seasons, it’s constantly changing and there’s nothing we can do about it. Your best season is yet to calm. I think your kids are your best asset. I remember how you always talked about them when we were in Afghanistan. They need you and you need them. With that being said I will continue to pray for you and I ask you to pray for me as well. Be good Brother and I look forward to more of your writings. I Love You Brother- Roommate

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Actually, we can fail with our children and they can go on to be OK. My oldest suffered terribly from things I blamed myself for over the years…divorce, selfish (but at the time necessary) behaviors for me etc. She became a heroin addict even though I was a paramedic. She blamed me for adopting another child when she was young–and still does not get along with her sister. I was upset with myself for a long time. But she is clean, healthy and happy now…and did much of it on her own. Yes, we were both there for her along the way, Dad the good cop, me the bad cop in her eyes–and she’s thriving for which I am grateful. Children are resilient. It has been much harder to forgive myself, but I have done it–and she has basically forgiven me too. When she is a parent someday (if she decides to be one), she too will understand no-one is perfect. We all make the choices we think are right at the time, or need to make. I never stopped loving her throughout it all, did the best I could and thankfully she’s OK now. So, just love them, do the best you can…and honestly, that’s about all you can do. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. this is only the second post I have read of yours. My father was Army for over 20 years. He had his moments. Interesting back then we just shrugged and said “That’s just dad being moody.” I have a dear friend who is married to a Vietnam Vet with PTSD his moments can burst with unexpected chaos. I am glad you are journaling your thoughts. Therapy for you information for others. Writing is therapy for me. I do not write anything personal but I do weave it through what I write. I believe writing can be a good addiction. Keep Writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. David, so long as your love for your children overcomes any other fears you may have, they will see in the end that you are a success. Any parent that loves their child unconditionally and irrevocably is a success. Keep your head up and soldier through (no pun intended!) because I believe you can do it. Failure is just the means to a new beginning xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I tend to take these reflective times after a negative experience and give myself a little time to ask “Why”. Everything happens for a reason, and it is usually a good reason, even if the experience itself was daunting.
    Yahweh doesn’t look at things the way we do. Down here there is only one winner and if you’re not that one person, you’re a failure. That’s not the way it is in Heaven. If we find out what we were to learn from the experience, good or bad, that’s when we become the ultimate winners.
    The key to winning in the future is always in answering the question “Why?” in the present.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If these personal comments/sharing of oneself is part of positive therapy, keep writing. Kids are resilient, as well you must know after all these years. I LOVE YOU, KIDDO

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: The VA is Killing Me | Story of My Life

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