Tag Archives: healing

New Perspective, New Goals

Today marks one month since having open-heart quadruple bypass surgery, also known as CABGx4. And I am still amazed by the fact that a team of surgeons cut me open, fixed my heart, and put me back together.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around it- how that all works, how it’s even possible to do these things.  Every time I think about it, I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I am.  I am humbled and sometimes get emotional as all the different possibilities of the last month play out in my head.  Open heart surgery is the kind of event that brings into focus a new perspective.  At least for me, anyway, it has.  And the long, boring recovery forces you to reevaluate your goals and make new ones. 

The last month has been quite a rollercoaster ride.  It’s been trying, depressing, and boring with seemingly never-ending days.  But it’s also been good in some ways.  I have a new lease on life.  I have been forced to slow down and take inventory of what is important to me.  I’ve made new goals.  And I have already exceeded my own expectations in this first month of recovery.  For example, on the first day of recovery, while still in the hospital, I could barely walk 20 steps.  And I’m still mad at them for making me get out of bed on Day 1.  Fast forward to Day 30: I walked 1.25 miles by myself.  It was at a decent pace, took me 30 minutes to do the loop in my neighborhood.  And I felt pretty good after.  If you had told me on the first day that I’d be able to walk over a mile by myself in one month’s time, I would not have believed you.  Day 1 was overwhelming and nothing seemed possible. 

I still have a couple weeks of restrictions for this first six weeks of recovery.  I’m limited in how much I can pick up; nothing more than a gallon of milk.  My movements are limited; still not supposed to raise my hands above my shoulders or bend over to pick up anything off the floor.  My activities are limited; still not supposed to do any housework or yardwork.  This level of boredom is cruel and depressing.  But I have been testing my limits the last couple weeks as I’ve felt better.  I’m not doing anything that hurts or doesn’t feel right, but I am progressing nicely.  I can load the dishwasher now.  I can feed the dogs now because I’m not uncomfortable bending down to the food container.  I can make my own lunch and do some light cooking.  All these little victories are adding up and creating a self confidence that was absent one month ago.  I’ve come a long way in one month and am doing much better than I imagined. 

I have a group chat on Facebook with my kids.  About two to three weeks ago I messaged them that I was now able to shower by myself without assistance.  A few days after that I shared with them that I had made my own lunch.  Days after that, I made a full dinner with some help from my wife.  The little steps of progress were very pleasing and boosted my morale.  Little goals, little victories.  And those lead to bigger goals and bigger victories.  I’m 54 years old but some of my goals early on in my recovery have been on the level of a four-year-old trying to impress his parents.  “Look, mom, I went potty by myself.”  Or “Look, dad, I put my shoes on by myself.”  I’m having to change my perspective about the goals I make.  And this part is very humbling to me.

Today my goals are to walk at least 5,000 steps per day.  I’ve achieved that a few times in the last couple weeks and this week I have done it five days in row so far.  I also want to walk the 1.25-mile loop in my neighborhood every other day.  Next week I’ll look at doing a little more if I feel like I can.  I don’t want to overdo it, but I don’t want to be stagnant if I’m capable of doing more.  For a long-term goal, there is a 5k coming up in March of next year that some of my kids are involved in that I would like to be part of.  That gives me six months.  I don’t know if I’ll run it or walk it, but I will finish it.  Not related to the heart issue, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to run due to foot issues, including having to get an artificial joint put in my right foot.  Maybe I’ll run that 5k, maybe I’ll only be able to walk it, but I will be there. 

I’m still in some pain, especially in the leg where they harvested the vein to do the grafts on my heart.  I still have problems getting comfortable when I go to sleep and sometimes wake up in excruciating pain because I rolled or moved wrong in my sleep.  A deep cough or hard sneeze feels like someone is trying to open my chest with a crowbar.  And hiccups are horrible.  But I still think the hardest part is the boredom.  I think that will get better in a couple weeks when these initial restrictions go away and the doctor tells me where I am and what I am allowed to do for the next phase of recovery.

My wife is an absolute saint for taking care of me.  And even more so for putting up with me.  I am irritable, moody, and hard to deal with sometimes.  It’s been one month since surgery, but it’s been one month plus one day since I quit smoking.  I think I’m handling that fairly well for the most part.  But I also still get a craving for a cigarette once in a while and I can be a real jerk when the craving is getting the best of me.  I quit smoking “cold turkey” once more than 20 years ago and that lasted for six years, so I know I can do it.  I think that if I weren’t so restricted in what I can do currently, I might already be past the hard part of quitting.  I’ll get there. 

One month down.  Many more to go.  I think the hardest part of recovery is now behind me.  The first week and a half of not being able to do most anything for myself was not fun.  I don’t like being completely dependent like I was.  But now I’m feeling pretty good.  I am able to do more than I thought I would at this point in my recovery.  My follow-up appointment with the surgeon was great, everything is as it’s supposed to be.  The scar on my chest looks good.  Everything is healing as it should.  I’ll find out more next week when I see my cardiologist.

Thank you to those who reached out with well-wishes and prayers.  I felt the love.  Thanks for stopping by Story of My Life and being part of my journey.  Good Day, God Bless.

Dave

Finally!!!!

I’ve written many times over the years about my struggles with the Department of Veterans Affairs.  Finally, one of my ongoing battles with the VA is coming to an end.  I’ve waited more than six years to get my foot fixed and it was operated on yesterday.  Better late than never I suppose.  But that was more than six years of extra pain to deal with.  Fighting with the VA about what you’ve earned and deserve can, and usually is, an exhausting undertaking. 

In 2013, I was in the belly of a plane loading bags for our trip to Ft Hood for pre-deployment training prior to heading to Afghanistan.  We were tossing bags to each other as they come up the conveyor ramp.  Toss, catch, turn, toss, turn, catch repeat.  As I went to catch one of the duffle bags, it hit my chest, slipped through my arms, and slammed my foot.  The Kevlar helmet that was packed in the top of the bag crushed my toe.  Turns out it wasn’t broken, but it was definitely not well.  It’s been swollen ever since.

After arriving at Ft Hood, “Doc” sent me to get it looked at.  X-rays showed it was not broken, but had in fact exacerbated an issue that I didn’t even know I had.  My foot had good days and bad days after the injury.  Sometimes it was bearable and sometimes it was excruciating.  And without a doubt, having to favor that foot created other issues.  Like when I injured my hip getting out of a helicopter and rocky ground. Now I was having to favor my right foot and left hip.  It was bad enough that the doctor at my little base wanted to send me to Germany for treatment then home.  I declined.  I wanted to finish what I started with my fellow Soldiers that we began the previous year.  But if I had taken the doctor’s advice, I wouldn’t have had to wait six years to get my foot fixed.  But I don’t regret my decision.

The hardest part in this battle with the VA had been getting them to acknowledge that my injury was service-connected.  Even with medical documents from the hospital at Ft Hood, the VA was denying that my injury was service-connected.  It wasn’t until 2018 that the VA sent me a letter saying (and I’m paraphrasing) “Oops, my bad, your foot is our problem.”  That’s what I’ve been telling you for years!  With the documentation I had, it really should have been an open and shut case.  But, being a reservist, sometimes we get swept under the rug.  And the Army didn’t do me any favors.  As we were out-processed at Ft Hood after coming back from Afghanistan, we were told that unless it’s a life-threatening injury we would be passed on to the VA.  I was examined before leaving Ft Hood and the doctor told me what needed to be done. He wrote it down.  It was in my records.  But the Army didn’t want to do it and the VA denied that it was their problem to fix.

Eventually I wasn’t able to get around like I used to.  Couldn’t run.  Couldn’t pass the Army physical fitness test.  I was eventually medically retired, which turned out to be a good thing.  But all the physical issues and poor self-image I developed from my physical decline only added to the downward spiral I was going through in life.  That led to a failed suicide attempt and being diagnosed with PTSD, major depression, and all the wonderful things that go along with that.  The deterioration of my body played a big role in my mental health.  The Army not fixing me and VA denying me made it feel like an insufferable weight.  I hit rock bottom.  Thankfully I failed and am still here today.

Yesterday, the doctor cut open my big toe, shaved some bone, took some bone out, sewed me back up.  Not only is my foot fixed and on its way to recovery to where I can hopefully fully function again, the VA hooked me up with a civilian doctor.  Turns out the Covid problem shut down all non-life-threatening surgeries being done by the VA when I started this process.  My VA pediatrist asked me if I would like them to see if a civilian doctor would do it.  For those of you that have dealt with military or VA doctors I don’t need to tell you how fast I jumped at that option.  I know I painted that last sentence with a wide brush, but there are more bad doctors than good ones at the VA so it’s easy to lump them all in the same group of being subpar. 

I’m off for at least the next three weeks from work.  I’ve been saving my vacation and sick leave for this.  I can’t drive until after my second follow-up appointment when the doctor will remove my stitches.  I’ll just be sitting on the couch eating snacks if you need me.  I have 150 channels or so on cable, a couple streaming sources, and more DVDs than anyone should own in 2020.  Who wants to bet I can’t find anything to watch?  LOL.  I’m getting around well on my crutches.  Last time I was on crutches they were made of wood.  I guess I’m old now.  The surgery shoe is not comfortable, but I have to leave it on until the stitches come out.  I’ll be sleeping on the couch because I don’t want to climb the stairs to the bedrooms for a few days. 

I want to thank my daughter for babysitting me yesterday, getting me to and from surgery, picking up my meds, making me lunch.  My girlfriend is also taking care of me and spoiling me.  I’ll be back to doing a few easy things around the house in a few days.  But I’m taking advantage of this downtime for the time being.  I will rest my body and let it heal.

Healing is important.  And it’s all tied together, both physical and mental.  I had to learn that a few years ago the hard way.  And I do much better now in my understanding that you must take care of both.  Each has its own time table which can be frustrating because physical and mental injuries can’t always heal at the same pace but they can have a huge impact on each other.  Take care of yourselves.  Take time to let yourself heal when needed.  And go easy on yourself when it seems overwhelming.

Thanks for stopping by today.  Good day, God Bless.

Dave