Harder Than It Looks

I wish I could I figure out what’s going on with me. I wish I could explain how it feels. In the last month, I’ve posted how I was struggling, then how I was doing better, and then how I was struggling but handled it well. This cycle of going in circles with anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms, and life is really wearing on me. Functioning, at least for me the last few weeks, is much harder than looks.

I am constantly on edge, which is taking a toll on my body. I feel like a giant hand is palming my forehead, applying pressure, wrapping around to the side of my head. My lower neck/upper back is tense all day, every day. I try hard to relax, but that only lasts for a minute or two. My breathing is not getting any better. I find it hard to catch my breath occasionally, even when I’m sitting still. My body hurts. And I think it has to do with how I’m reacting to my mental stress.

My right foot cramps often. I think it’s from my toes constantly being tightly curled under my feet, maybe like someone would do if riding a rollercoaster as it crested and started its speedy descent. Except that my toes are always like that. My sleep is anything but consistent. Even on my medications, sometimes I can’t fall asleep. I’ve had way too many nights lately where I would check the time and it was 2 or 3 in the morning and I was still awake. I’m tired all the time.

My attitude hasn’t been good lately. The way I react to people and situations has been horrible. Especially at work. Well, since I don’t do very much interacting with people outside of work, I guess that’s where it would be the worst. I avoid people as best I can. And when I do interact with them, I feel like I’m faking it. The only exception is when I hang out with my kids.

I feel like I’m spiraling downward. Not spiraling out of control like I’m going to crash, but falling out of the sky none-the-less. I’ve done this enough to know I won’t crash, but I still don’t like it. I don’t like how it feels. I don’t like how I handle situations. I think I’ve slipped into a serious episode of depression. I don’t know when it started, it snuck up on me. I feel like I was doing well not long ago, then all of a sudden, BAM! I’m deep in it. A few weeks ago, I was actually considering looking into in-patient therapy options. That’s how bad it was for me. But who has time for that?

I am NOT suicidal. I am not a threat to myself. I’m probably not a threat to anyone else. I’m just having a really rough time right now. And this is my outlet. I’ve found that in some of my past posts, when I share the real and the raw of what’s going on in my head, I end up feeling better about it in the next week or two. Sometimes getting it all out there like this helps me. Here’s to hoping it helps again. This really is harder than it looks. Thanks for reading this week.

Good day, God bless.

Dave

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11 thoughts on “Harder Than It Looks

  1. Hi Dave, I am Praying for you, that you receive some Peace in your thoughts and sleep. I thought you had your toes operated on way back when? If you need to take a break come on up. If you need to, do an in-patient thing, don’t let it get to bad on you that you can’t get ahead of it. Love ya, Pop

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely get this, and you’ve described it really well. Sometimes when I get in this cycle I can’t explain it!
    I hope you find some peace in it all some time soon ❤

    Like

  3. I’ve always found writing things down to be cathartic. If I write it down and make these regrets and anxiety exist on paper or on the screen, it’ll be easier for me to deal with them. Even if they’re small ideas or thoughts. You should see the number of drafts I have just here on WordPress!

    I’m glad writing is helping you through these rough times. Hopefully it continues to help in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dude, hang in there. You are usually on the mark with your assessments of the situation, most any situation. Sometimes it’s in the reaction and delivery that throws others off. Consider small differences and positive impressions on others every day. Sometimes it seems fake and sometimes insignificant, but eventually it adds up and not only brings a little something to the day, but can eventually steer us in a better direction. There were days when I counted putting one foot in front of the other as a blessing, and it took time to find a theme song (which helped me tremendously). Even now I have a few go to’s like Wet Wille’s “Keep on Smiling” and Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime”.

    Liked by 1 person

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