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New Perspective, New Goals

Today marks one month since having open-heart quadruple bypass surgery, also known as CABGx4. And I am still amazed by the fact that a team of surgeons cut me open, fixed my heart, and put me back together.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around it- how that all works, how it’s even possible to do these things.  Every time I think about it, I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I am.  I am humbled and sometimes get emotional as all the different possibilities of the last month play out in my head.  Open heart surgery is the kind of event that brings into focus a new perspective.  At least for me, anyway, it has.  And the long, boring recovery forces you to reevaluate your goals and make new ones. 

The last month has been quite a rollercoaster ride.  It’s been trying, depressing, and boring with seemingly never-ending days.  But it’s also been good in some ways.  I have a new lease on life.  I have been forced to slow down and take inventory of what is important to me.  I’ve made new goals.  And I have already exceeded my own expectations in this first month of recovery.  For example, on the first day of recovery, while still in the hospital, I could barely walk 20 steps.  And I’m still mad at them for making me get out of bed on Day 1.  Fast forward to Day 30: I walked 1.25 miles by myself.  It was at a decent pace, took me 30 minutes to do the loop in my neighborhood.  And I felt pretty good after.  If you had told me on the first day that I’d be able to walk over a mile by myself in one month’s time, I would not have believed you.  Day 1 was overwhelming and nothing seemed possible. 

I still have a couple weeks of restrictions for this first six weeks of recovery.  I’m limited in how much I can pick up; nothing more than a gallon of milk.  My movements are limited; still not supposed to raise my hands above my shoulders or bend over to pick up anything off the floor.  My activities are limited; still not supposed to do any housework or yardwork.  This level of boredom is cruel and depressing.  But I have been testing my limits the last couple weeks as I’ve felt better.  I’m not doing anything that hurts or doesn’t feel right, but I am progressing nicely.  I can load the dishwasher now.  I can feed the dogs now because I’m not uncomfortable bending down to the food container.  I can make my own lunch and do some light cooking.  All these little victories are adding up and creating a self confidence that was absent one month ago.  I’ve come a long way in one month and am doing much better than I imagined. 

I have a group chat on Facebook with my kids.  About two to three weeks ago I messaged them that I was now able to shower by myself without assistance.  A few days after that I shared with them that I had made my own lunch.  Days after that, I made a full dinner with some help from my wife.  The little steps of progress were very pleasing and boosted my morale.  Little goals, little victories.  And those lead to bigger goals and bigger victories.  I’m 54 years old but some of my goals early on in my recovery have been on the level of a four-year-old trying to impress his parents.  “Look, mom, I went potty by myself.”  Or “Look, dad, I put my shoes on by myself.”  I’m having to change my perspective about the goals I make.  And this part is very humbling to me.

Today my goals are to walk at least 5,000 steps per day.  I’ve achieved that a few times in the last couple weeks and this week I have done it five days in row so far.  I also want to walk the 1.25-mile loop in my neighborhood every other day.  Next week I’ll look at doing a little more if I feel like I can.  I don’t want to overdo it, but I don’t want to be stagnant if I’m capable of doing more.  For a long-term goal, there is a 5k coming up in March of next year that some of my kids are involved in that I would like to be part of.  That gives me six months.  I don’t know if I’ll run it or walk it, but I will finish it.  Not related to the heart issue, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to run due to foot issues, including having to get an artificial joint put in my right foot.  Maybe I’ll run that 5k, maybe I’ll only be able to walk it, but I will be there. 

I’m still in some pain, especially in the leg where they harvested the vein to do the grafts on my heart.  I still have problems getting comfortable when I go to sleep and sometimes wake up in excruciating pain because I rolled or moved wrong in my sleep.  A deep cough or hard sneeze feels like someone is trying to open my chest with a crowbar.  And hiccups are horrible.  But I still think the hardest part is the boredom.  I think that will get better in a couple weeks when these initial restrictions go away and the doctor tells me where I am and what I am allowed to do for the next phase of recovery.

My wife is an absolute saint for taking care of me.  And even more so for putting up with me.  I am irritable, moody, and hard to deal with sometimes.  It’s been one month since surgery, but it’s been one month plus one day since I quit smoking.  I think I’m handling that fairly well for the most part.  But I also still get a craving for a cigarette once in a while and I can be a real jerk when the craving is getting the best of me.  I quit smoking “cold turkey” once more than 20 years ago and that lasted for six years, so I know I can do it.  I think that if I weren’t so restricted in what I can do currently, I might already be past the hard part of quitting.  I’ll get there. 

One month down.  Many more to go.  I think the hardest part of recovery is now behind me.  The first week and a half of not being able to do most anything for myself was not fun.  I don’t like being completely dependent like I was.  But now I’m feeling pretty good.  I am able to do more than I thought I would at this point in my recovery.  My follow-up appointment with the surgeon was great, everything is as it’s supposed to be.  The scar on my chest looks good.  Everything is healing as it should.  I’ll find out more next week when I see my cardiologist.

Thank you to those who reached out with well-wishes and prayers.  I felt the love.  Thanks for stopping by Story of My Life and being part of my journey.  Good Day, God Bless.

Dave

Hello Again

Until earlier this month I hadn’t posted to Story of My Life in over 4 years.  I’ve been lazy with it.  But we’ll get to that shortly.  First, I want to look at how this all started and what it has become so far, and then move forward and explore where it can go from here.  It’s been a while, I might need a refresher. 

I started this blog in 2013, months before being deployed to Afghanistan.  The primary purpose of Story of My Life was to tell stories while deployed so that my family could follow along with some of my day-to-day activities, the stuff I was allowed to share anyway.  I made a few posts leading up to deployment.  And then I made a few posts while deployed.  This was the beginning of my blog, the early stages.  Then I went two years before making a new post in 2016. 

After coming home from Afghanistan, I spiraled into the lowest, rock-bottom place I’ve ever been in my life.  It was during a counseling/therapy session at the local Veterans Affairs clinic that I was asked what I like to do that makes me happy.  Writing.  I have always enjoyed writing.  It was suggested that I start writing again.  So, in 2016, I did.  I started writing again and posting to my blog.  And then some amazing things happened.  It unexpectedly took off.

When I came back to writing in 2016, I wrote for my own personal therapy, to clear my mind.  I wrote about my struggles after coming home from war.  I told some stories from when I was in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I occasionally mixed in some fiction, poetry, stories of my kids, and a couple funny posts.  And I shared them on my blog so my family could understand what was going on in my mind and what I was going through.  I wanted them to have an idea of what I and others endured while serving our country and especially how difficult it was coming home and trying to get back to being “normal” again.  At that time, it was mostly just a few family members that followed my blog.

But, as it turned out, my stories resonated with people out there in the blogosphere and Story of My Life began to get a following.  Somehow people were finding my blog.  People I didn’t know were commenting and messaging as to how one of my stories helped them or their veteran loved one or how they could relate to what I was saying, how I was being a voice on topics that they felt uncomfortable voicing themselves.  Not only was my writing helping me work through my own problems and issues, but it was also well received by others.  That made me feel good, like I was making a difference. 

So I kept writing.  And Story of My Life kept getting new readers.  In 2018 alone, my blog had over 186,000 views.  In just a single month in 2018 I had more views than the previous five years combined!  I was floored.  I never imagined my little blog would blow up like that.  That’s certainly not why I started it.  And then, for whatever reason, I stopped.  I didn’t post anything in 2019.  I did a few posts in 2020 and 2021. Then nothing.  Four years without doing anything on here.  I think I know why.

I got lazy?  I got tired?  I got busy?  I had other things to do?  Any or all of these could be a reason to stop.  It wasn’t from lack of motivation.  I have over a dozen pieces I started writing during my four years of down time.  A couple of them I even finished.  But I didn’t post any of them.  And it wasn’t from running out of ideas to write about.  I would lie in bed quite often thinking about stories and composing them in my head as I tried to go to sleep.  But I wouldn’t write them out like I used to.  Something changed. 

Discipline.  That’s what changed, or more accurately, lack of discipline.  I no longer had the discipline to write and post the way I did before.  Motivation without discipline doesn’t always produce the long-term outcome you might want.  For example, I have two dogs.  Sometimes I get very motivated to sweep the floors because of the amount of dog hair they leave throughout the house.  If I were disciplined, I would sweep the floors once a week and not let it get as bad.  But if I rely solely on being motivated to sweep, the floors will look like I have a dozen dogs and then take longer to clean.  I need to be disciplined with that chore.  And this example can be used for yard work, dishes, laundry, stuff for work or school, relationships, vehicle maintenance, or any task, relationship, or hobby that you’re working on. 

Motivation is temporal, meaning that it is only in the current moment and will fade, like my half-hearted posts in 2020 and 2021. Discipline is ongoing.  That means being dedicated and devoted.  Sometimes it means being on a schedule, having a plan, carrying out a plan, working through obstacles to achieve a goal.  Discipline is so much more than just having motivation, it means making something a priority.  For the two years I wrote and posted almost every single week, I had both motivation and discipline. My motivation helped me to have discipline. I worked my writing into my weekly schedule.  I dedicated time to getting it done, I made it a priority.  And here’s what changed for me as I took that long break from writing.

When I had started writing again in 2016, I saw and felt how it helped me.  It was therapeutic and in some ways it felt like I was releasing bad energy with each post and cleansing my mind.  It was both challenging and relaxing.  Sometimes it was deeply emotional and difficult.  But it gave me something to look forward to each week and I needed that back then.  All these things gave me motivation to write, and led to the discipline to keep it going for two years.  But it was in 2018 that my mind finally calmed from my lowest of low points just three years prior.  I was seeing life more clearly.  I had my mental demons under control with counseling and medication.  I took a really good job with benefits, had a nice place to live, and was doing well in life for the first time in a while.

I no longer needed to write for my own personal therapy, which is the whole reason I had been writing.  So, in 2018, when Story of My Life was as popular as it ever was, or likely will ever be again, I just stopped.  I no longer had the motivation or discipline to do it like I used to.  I would occasionally get a flash of motivation and start writing a new piece.  And a few times I would get just enough motivation to make a new post.  But, overall, I just wasn’t feeling it anymore.  I had lost my self-discipline when it came to writing. I didn’t “need” it anymore.

A lot has changed in the last few years for me and I am ready to instill some discipline back into my writing again and share some new stories.  Not because I need it for my own personal therapy, but because I miss writing.  I doubt I’ll post every single week like I did for those two years a while back, but I do have a deep desire to write again, even if it’s just for me and my own entertainment.  But I hope you will enjoy it, too.

I don’t know the exact direction Story of My Life will take, but I do plan to keep it going.  I recently went through my posts and enjoyed seeing the evolution of my writing, revisiting some of the things that inspired me to write.  Some of the posts made me smile, some brought a tear to my eye.  Not all my posts were pretty in subject matter or style, but each one of them is part of who I am and who I was at different times in my life.  And I want to keep doing that, to continue writing and telling stories.  You’re welcome to come along if you want, even if I don’t know yet where we’re going.  Thanks for stopping by today.  Good day and God bless.

Dave

Here’s the spoiled dogs that leave hair all over the place. My wonderful puppies.