We all have and celebrate milestones in our lives and the lives of those around us. Most commonly we recognize birthdays and wedding anniversaries. I know as some of us get older, we don’t like to celebrate our birthdays like we used to. But we all have a birthday, so it’s still a regular milestone. We celebrate the first day of school for a young kindergartener and the last day of school at graduation, and all the first and last days of each school year in between. It’s not uncommon to have a celebration at a job for an employee that has been with the company for 10, 20, or more years, and especially at retirement. I know some people that celebrate sobriety, by the day, week, or the year. Some celebrate and make a big deal for a pet’s birthday or “gotcha” day. Military service time, years of home ownership, a sports team’s championships, or anything else that is a big deal to someone. We like to celebrate and remember things that brought us joy. All of these things and many more are wonderful reasons to celebrate.
I have a milestone to share. I’m celebrating 10 years of not dying. It sounds weird to say it that way since I’ve successfully not died every single day since I was born more than 54 years ago. I guess every day above ground is a milestone for each of us to celebrate. But a decade ago it wasn’t certain that I would maintain that streak. I could have, and probably should have, died one night. Some of my memories from that timeframe are clear as a bell in my mind and other parts of it are a foggy haze that doesn’t seem real. It seems more like a dream that never really happened. But it did.
On August 2, 2015, I attempted suicide and failed. I won’t go into all the details here, but I will share a link to the blog I posted in February 2016, where I talked about that night and what was going on. It’s surreal to look back at it, to re-read that blog post. I refer to that timeframe in my life as “the lowest point of my life” when speaking about it in conversation. It was also my darkest time. And my loneliest, my scariest, and most uncertain time in my life. I hadn’t expected to survive, so I had no plan, no idea what I was going to do after I came to and had to face my family and friends and myself. It took almost 6 months to get to the point where I wasn’t pissed off for failing. And even then, it was a long road to get to where I would be out of danger from my own mind.
I’ve always been open about my journey when it comes to surviving my suicide attempt. The reason I do that is because it helps others. I’m not embarrassed by it. I was for a short time after it happened, but not anymore. I’ve shared about going to war and my military experiences that may have contributed to my mindset of wanting to die. I’ve shared raw, unfiltered emotions on Story of My Life because I feel that it’s important to tell it like it is when it comes to life and death. And I’ve also shared the part of my journey of recovering from it all. Honestly, it’s a lifelong recovery and I stay on top of it.
As I look back over the last 10 years, I feel blessed far beyond what I deserve. To be where I am right now is mind boggling compared to where I was the night law enforcement officers found me unresponsive in 2015. Early on after my failed attempt, there were times when I took one step forward just to be shoved two or three steps back. There were times when I couldn’t even take a step forward and would still be pushed back. The first six months were very discouraging and my dark thoughts would sometimes try to take over. It was a frustrating time of fighting with myself.
But in 2016, I had finally found a treatment/counseling plan that worked for me. It was still a rough time, but it looked like it would finally start going in the right direction. It was going to be a lot of work, and I was the only one that could do it. No one else could do it for me. Sure, there were plenty of people there for me, but the work would be my sole responsibility. I was the only one that could be accountable for moving forward and getting better. I experienced both setbacks and accomplishments during that year. I had a troubling situation at one point that almost put me back into a similar low point that I was still trying to recover from. And that situation came at a time when everything was seemingly going well. In retrospect, I think I might have been expecting something bad to happen since things were going well at the time and then I let it blow up worse than it really was. I wrote a little about this in 2016. I’ll share the link below if anyone is interested.
2017 was better. 2018 was good. By 2019, I felt like I had achieved my new normal and I was very satisfied with it. I would never be the same as before 2015, but I was happy. Even after I got back to my new normal, which was good, I still initiated counseling sessions once in a while. As recently as last year I was in counseling 2-3 times a month. Not because anything bad happened or I was going back to a dark place. But because I know I need it occasionally to stay on top of my mental health. And ‘occasionally’ is much better than the nearly every week for a whole year I was going in 2016. Everything needs maintenance, not just your car or house or tools. You need maintenance. And I do, too.
If you need help with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. There are so many places and organizations that will help you find the right help. There are also individuals that can help you; family, friends, coworkers. I know how hard it is to ask for help, I promise you, I know. It might be the hardest thing you ever do, but do it. The second hardest thing will be finding the right help. It took months for me to find the right combination of medication and therapy. I wanted to give up after the first time “help” failed. The truth is, mental health help is not one size fits all. There are different styles of counseling, different medications, different specializations for doctors and therapists. Sometimes it takes a while to get it all correct for each individual. I think that’s a reason so many people don’t continue with it when they truly need it. Please be patient. Keep going back and eventually, you will find what fits you.
You might find yourself in a position to help someone dealing with suicidal thoughts, either because they asked you for help or you noticed something off and asked them if you could help. Here’s some important things to know, especially if you have never had any training on the subject. First, you can NOT solve their problems. But you can be there for them to vent, cry, share their story. And, most importantly, you can help them in the right direction to get professional help. Second, no matter what the reason is for someone feeling like they want to kill themselves, that IS a valid reason because it’s their reason. It might not even make sense to you. But if someone tells you they are sad because their goldfish died and now they want to die too, that is THEIR valid reason and it needs to be treated as such. The truth is, by the time most people get to that point, their “reason” was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. There were likely many things leading up to the total distress they feel about a goldfish. Your job is simply to get them to a professional that can work through all that with them. All you have to do is get them to the next level of help, and by doing so, you are helping them the greatest. Look at this way. If I have a heart attack, my wife isn’t going to call a heart surgeon to make an appointment for me. She would call 9-1-1 to come and take me to the emergency room where they are fully equipped to deal with a heart attack while it is happening. Then, if needed, I would be referred to a heart surgeon. You can’t fix, cure, or solve their problems. Just get them to a higher level of help. Be the 9-1-1 if you’re called upon. Don’t shy away from someone who is suicidal because you don’t know what to do. I just told you what to do. Do it.
Probably around half of my 130 posts on Story of My Life talk about or reference my journey after my failed suicide attempt in one way or another. Even ten years after the event, it’s still hard to write about, but it needs to be done. Preparing this post, which included going through a bunch of older posts, brought its share of tears to my eyes. It’s hard to relive that part of my life. I am now completely drained emotionally. But I feel like this story needs to be told. It’s part of my ongoing, life-long road of bettering my mental health and helping others. And it’s my 10-year milestone of not dying. I never dreamed I would be where I am now ten years ago.
I hope you found something helpful here today. If you need help, reach out. If you can help, do so. Thank you for visiting Story of My Life. Good day, God bless.
Dave
Story of My Life 