Tag Archives: kids

My Offspring is Off-Springing

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here.  I’ve written a few things here and there but haven’t posted any of them.  I’ve come up with a plethora of ideas in my head of what I think would look good on Story of My Life, but haven’t taken the time to jot them down.  I’ve been lazy.  But I’ll get into that in a later post.  Today I have other news.

Late last year my son and his wife announced that they are expecting their first child.  The newest edition to our family will arrive in July.  Hey y’all, my offspring is off-springing!!  I am so very excited.  And it’s about time!  Most of my friends from high school have been grandparents for years now.  I’m 54 and becoming a first-time grandpa.  On a side note of sorts, my mother’s mother was 39 when I was born and made her a first-time grandparent.  When I was young, I thought my grandparents were old.  My grandchild will think I’m ancient!  LOL.  Or maybe I just feel ancient.

As I look forward to meeting my grandson in a few months I’m reminded of all the advice I received when I was becoming a dad.  And the very best advice I received during that time was from my dad, who I think was a very good and wise parent.  He said, “Take all the advice you get from everyone and throw it out the window.  Do what you know is right and everything will work out fine.  You got this.”

This was the perfect advice and I am passing it on to my son and his wife. This post is written to my son and his wife.  Don’t confuse this advice with not hearing what others have to say who have experience and might know a thing or two.  But instead, learn what is right as you go through parenthood.  Do what you feel is right, coupled with what you want to use from others.  None of us have all the answers about being a parent.  Only you will know in your heart what is right for your little family.  It will come to you, I promise.  It’s all a learning experience.  Take it all in and figure out what is best.  I interpret my dad’s advice to mean this: Don’t feel obligated by someone’s advice if you feel differently. 

That’s my advice.  Well, my dad’s advice.  And I did well with it.

But there’s plenty of other important things to share as well.  Consider this part more like storytelling and if you find something here you want to use as advice, take it.  Or, if you find something in the storytelling that didn’t work, you can learn from that as well.  I have often told my less flattering stories to my children in hopes they learn from my faults and save themselves some troubles.  But kids don’t listen.  You’ll learn that soon enough.  LOL!!

First of all, you will become a parent with very little experience.  Sure, you may have babysat, watched after siblings, volunteered in the nursery at church- but nothing will fully prepare you for having your own baby, a new life that completely depends on you.  The first time I ever changed a diaper was on my first child.  And I hadn’t studied how to do it and I had never done it before.  I was thrown into it.  The nurse said, “Dad, do you want to change her diaper?”  Turns out, it wasn’t that hard.  I figured it out on my first try! Too easy. But everything after that first diaper was a new, deeper challenge.  Changing a diaper was the very first step in a long road for me in learning how to be a parent.  Oh, the number of diapers I changed.  How can something so small and precious create a smell that could peel paint off the wall?  Get ready.

How do you know when to take the baby to the emergency room or wait it out?  How do you know when to let the baby “cry it out” when they are being fussy or when to coddle them?  How do you know when to start potty training?  How do you know when to let your child walk to school alone?  How do you know when to do this or that or whatever?  Here’s the catch.  You don’t know yet.  Sometimes you don’t know the right answer until you’ve already made a decision and see how it plays out.  You have to learn it all one first diaper at a time.  And you will make mistakes.  You will second-guess yourself sometimes.  But you will adjust as you learn.  And once you think you have something figured out, the baby changes it.  Which means that every once in a while you will go back and forth about something until you make a decision just to be done with it.  And that’s ok, too. Sometimes all you can do is flip a coin.  Just keep learning.  And to be honest, a lot of questions will answer themselves as the baby grows and you learn.  And after a while, you’ll have it all figured out.  But like I alluded to, the baby can sense that you figured it out and will change everything, creating new challenges.  It’s what they do.

Along with the excitement, fear, joy, and love that comes with becoming a parent, you will also get a dose of perpetual tiredness.  All my kids are now grown adults, taking on the world, and I’m still tired from when they were little.  This feeling of exhaustion…  just get used to it.  There will be late nights, early mornings, and everything in between.  You’ll have your hands full with the little one.  But you’ll still have to clean the house, take care of the dog, mow the yard, go grocery shopping, pay the bills, cook dinner… oh yeah, and don’t forget about going to work.  No matter how tired you feel, it is all worth it.  I have fond memories of falling asleep in a recliner with my children snuggled in my arms.  Best sleep ever!

Kids are very resilient growing up.  Yes, they are fragile, but you can’t keep them in a bubble.  They will get bumps, bruises, cuts, and scratches.  Of my six kids, we survived at least two broken bones, a golf club to the face, a tumble off of a piano with teeth puncturing the lip, a fall out of a tree, a pencil broken off into the heel of a foot, rolling off a bed on to hardwood flooring, slipping in the bathroom and bouncing a head off the tile which was bloody and gruesome.  This is a very small sample of what my kids survived and doesn’t even include the sports bumps and bruises they all had.  And even if I were to hover over each of my kids every minute of every day, very few of these injuries could have been avoided.  Kids are adventurous as they grow and learn, and sometimes those adventures will leave a mark. 

I believe my dad did a great job.  As I look back on my childhood, I don’t think I could have asked for a better father.  Even so, when I became a dad, I had a mental list of things I was going to do differently, things I didn’t like from when I was a kid.  However, as I “grew up” as a parent I realized my list of things my dad did well and did right was much longer than the list of things I wanted to change in my journey as a parent.  Maybe some of it was me understanding that parenting is a challenge, something we can not fully comprehend until we become a parent.  So, I hope your list eventually gets longer on the side of “Oh, dad was right, I get it now.”  There are plenty of things I could have done better.  If you want that list, let me know.  And that’s one of the funny things about learning as a first time parent, you can’t usually know how things will turn out until later.  But I’m very happy and proud of how my kids turned out, so maybe I did a few more things right than I thought I did.  Here’s the bottom line.  Do your parenting out of love and what’s best for the child.  And even then, not all of your decisions will be perfect.  And that’s perfectly fine. 

This new chapter of your life is going to be the best rollercoaster ride you could ever be on.  My Son, I loved watching you grow up as a child into a teen and then into an adult.  Now I get to watch you grow as a dad and I couldn’t be more proud.  And always keep this in mind, “Do what you know is right and everything will work out fine.  You got this.”  Y’all got this!

I love y’all.  The two of you will be great parents.  God bless!

Dad

Milestones and Reflections

This past week, my blog surpassed 400 followers from all over the world. Granted, that’s not a huge number, but it’s still an amazing milestone to me, considering I write for my own pleasure and therapy. I didn’t set out to create any kind of following for this site, only a place for me to put some thoughts somewhere, like a way to journal. Originally, Story of My Life was a place for me to do some writing during my deployment to Afghanistan and share a few things with my family and friends. After returning from war, I took a two-year break from posting here. I then started using Story of My Life again in February 2016, as an outlet for self-therapy and recovery. Based on the number of followers, comments and likes on the posts, it seems like a lot of people can relate to what I’m putting out there.

As I celebrate a very modest milestone, I also want reflect on Story of My Life and share with some of you that might not know the progression this blog has taken the last couple of years and why I post (almost) every week. I say progression of this blog, but in reality, it’s my progression. These are my thoughts, feelings, experiences that I share here. Some entries are comical or silly. Some are dark and painful. Some are rants, usually complaining about dealing with the VA. I’ve posted poetry and short fiction stories, but mostly, real-life stories of me surviving my life.

While my first blog post to Story of My Life was 5 years ago, it’s only been in the last two years that I started a new journey of using weekly writing as therapy and sharing my story with the world. The beginning of this new journey started with me opening up about a failed suicide attempt, being taken to the psych ward at the hospital in hand cuffs by the police, and being diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. From there, I shared what I saw as obvious irony in the fact that I attempted suicide, being that I was the lead trainer in suicide prevention training in most of my army reserve units. Ironic, in a twisted way, I know.

I’ve shared stories from my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan, stories about my kids, and I’ve written some entertaining fictional stories. I’ve touched a little on the end of my marriage and I’ve exposed some of the flaws with the VA that veterans have to deal with. I’ve written about the struggles I have from time to time with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve also written about some of the victories I’ve had the last two years, which include sharing a couple excerpts and progress from the novel I’m writing (yes, still working on that). I’ve written about the weather, traffic, youth sports, investing, the Mississippi River, and I’ve shared some about my civilian job in a few posts. I cover most everything that pops into my head in any given week. We can all see the pros and cons in that. But I do it anyway.

I write every week and post it here because it helps me. I am able to sort my thoughts and put them in some kind of order that makes sense to me. It’s a way to track my progress as well as my low points. Each post gives me a record of what I was doing or thinking and I can go back any time and see what was on my mind. I know, I can do the same thing without putting it on a blog, but I feel that making some of these stories public forces me to put more thought and effort into this project. And I know that my story helps other people, too, which is a bonus for my motivation to keep writing and sharing. Knowing there are people out there that can relate to my issues and mental illness is helpful to me as well. I appreciate all the likes and comments of support on my posts each week.

I do this for me. But I also do it for everyone else that hasn’t found their voice yet in speaking up comfortably about their own mental illness. I share it with the world so that someone that might be in the dark places of the mind, like I have been, know they aren’t alone. If you need help, reach out. If you know someone that needs help, help them find help. You don’t have to be a professional to help someone that is thinking about suicide. You only have to get them to someone that is (hospital, police, fire station, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255). Helping is easier than you think.

For those of you that might be new to Story of My Life and want to get a bigger picture of my story, below are some links to previous posts that will highlight my journey the last two years.

https://storyofmylife.blog/2016/02/06/battlefield/  (the beginning of my new journey)

Depressed

Suicidal Anonymous

PTSD Moments

My Worst War Memory

Thank you all for your support, I hope that I am returning the favor in some small way here. And thank you for stopping by this week. Good day, God bless.

Dave

Wired Differently

Way back in high school, what seems like a thousand years ago now, I was on the wrestling team. I enjoyed it and I was pretty good at it. Two-time regional champion in my weight class. In the largest tournament I ever wrestled in, with over sixty schools represented, I took third. Not too shabby. And my senior year at the state tournament, I lost by one point in overtime to the guy that would go on to win the state title in my weight class.

At the beginning of one wrestling season, one of the football coaches made some of the football players go out for the wrestling team. I think officially, it was strongly encouraged to those players, but they knew they had to go to wrestling practice if the coach told them to. About a week later, they were all gone except for one or two guys. Most of them couldn’t do it. Coach Downey ran a grueling wrestling practice, mostly on the mats in the cafeteria, but sometimes running stairs in our three-story main building on campus. If someone puked while running, he kept going, and the rest of us simply ran around it, lap after lap. Up three flights, down the long hallway, down three flights, and back. And again. For a couple hours. I guess this is my proof that wrestlers are tougher than football players.

Although… I went out for football in junior high school (yeah, I know it’s called middle school now, and whatever, I don’t understand why they changed it). I lasted one practice when I decided it wasn’t for me. Not having become very athletic by that time, my young body was in shock at what it was having to do. I lacked the talent, desire, and commitment it would have taken to be on the football team. So, maybe football players are tougher.

OR, perhaps, we are all just wired differently. Conditioned differently. Have different goals and strengths. Different talents. Some of those guys that couldn’t make it on the wrestling team were a force to be reckoned with on the football field. Brute strength and hard hits. And while I would have likely gotten run over by them on their field, they were no match for me on the wrestling mat. I had balance, technique, and leverage. That’s what I brought to the table that they could not compete with.

The hardest thing I’m working on in my life right now is realizing that we are different from each other, in more than just our physical abilities. Mentally, we have different strengths and weaknesses. We each react to situations differently. I know that some people can’t relate to what I go through, especially when the depression gets ahold of me or my PTSD symptoms show themselves. And, on the same token, I don’t understand some of the things other people go through. I have to catch myself once in a while so I don’t say out loud, “Get over it,” or “Why do you let that bother you?” or “It’s not that hard.” And I know people think that about me as well. And I understand.

We’re not just different from each other, we, ourselves, also become different. Age, trauma, and stress transform us on a daily basis. Even though I try very hard to not show it, I am my own worst critic about the person I have become. I ask myself all the time, “Why does this bother you?” I reminisce about all the things I used to be able to do physically, long hours of physical labor or running a half marathon. Or even passing an army physical fitness test. None of that used to be hard. I tell myself to get over it, but it’s not that easy. That’s usually when the depression flares up.

I’m not wired like I used to be. And I’m not able to recondition myself to be the old me. Not physically, not mentally. I’ve said before that the physical issues I brought back from Afghanistan contributed to my mental collapse. And to be honest, if I could just get the army to take responsibility for those issues, that would be a huge weight off my back. And what absolutely kills me is that at one time in the life I used to live, again what feels like a thousand years ago, much of what makes me “crazy” now barely phased me back then.

I am struggling quite a bit lately with self-criticization (and yes, that’s a word, I just looked it up to make sure, consider it your word of the day). I am depressed more often than usual and it’s becoming harder and harder to work through. As a high school athlete, I looked forward to getting pushed to my limits. I wanted to know what I could handle and how I measured up to others. It made me better. I don’t enjoying being pushed to my limits anymore. Especially mentally. And I reach my physical limits after just a few hours on my feet at work. And I hate it. But I’ll bet if Coach Downey barked at me to run stairs, I probably would, until it killed me. You know, since wrestlers are tougher than football players I would have to. LOL.  🙂

Thanks for stopping by this week. I hope you got something from this. Good day, God bless.

Dave

Harder Than It Looks

I wish I could I figure out what’s going on with me. I wish I could explain how it feels. In the last month, I’ve posted how I was struggling, then how I was doing better, and then how I was struggling but handled it well. This cycle of going in circles with anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms, and life is really wearing on me. Functioning, at least for me the last few weeks, is much harder than looks.

I am constantly on edge, which is taking a toll on my body. I feel like a giant hand is palming my forehead, applying pressure, wrapping around to the side of my head. My lower neck/upper back is tense all day, every day. I try hard to relax, but that only lasts for a minute or two. My breathing is not getting any better. I find it hard to catch my breath occasionally, even when I’m sitting still. My body hurts. And I think it has to do with how I’m reacting to my mental stress.

My right foot cramps often. I think it’s from my toes constantly being tightly curled under my feet, maybe like someone would do if riding a rollercoaster as it crested and started its speedy descent. Except that my toes are always like that. My sleep is anything but consistent. Even on my medications, sometimes I can’t fall asleep. I’ve had way too many nights lately where I would check the time and it was 2 or 3 in the morning and I was still awake. I’m tired all the time.

My attitude hasn’t been good lately. The way I react to people and situations has been horrible. Especially at work. Well, since I don’t do very much interacting with people outside of work, I guess that’s where it would be the worst. I avoid people as best I can. And when I do interact with them, I feel like I’m faking it. The only exception is when I hang out with my kids.

I feel like I’m spiraling downward. Not spiraling out of control like I’m going to crash, but falling out of the sky none-the-less. I’ve done this enough to know I won’t crash, but I still don’t like it. I don’t like how it feels. I don’t like how I handle situations. I think I’ve slipped into a serious episode of depression. I don’t know when it started, it snuck up on me. I feel like I was doing well not long ago, then all of a sudden, BAM! I’m deep in it. A few weeks ago, I was actually considering looking into in-patient therapy options. That’s how bad it was for me. But who has time for that?

I am NOT suicidal. I am not a threat to myself. I’m probably not a threat to anyone else. I’m just having a really rough time right now. And this is my outlet. I’ve found that in some of my past posts, when I share the real and the raw of what’s going on in my head, I end up feeling better about it in the next week or two. Sometimes getting it all out there like this helps me. Here’s to hoping it helps again. This really is harder than it looks. Thanks for reading this week.

Good day, God bless.

Dave

Back to School

This week, my kids, like others all around the country, started back to school. Classes officially started this week, but the kids had already gone back in some respect. Cross country practice, band practice/band camp, and swim practice. A junior, a sophomore, and twin freshman, all at the same school and all active in one thing or another. That’s only four of six. The older two have already moved out to conquer the world. And so far, they seem to be doing that. At one time, not long ago, including the oldest at college, the six kids were at five different schools. It’s nice to have the last four all at the same place for the next couple of years.

Every year about this time it’s a great time for students to start anew. Provided they take advantage of it. They really don’t know how good they have it. I didn’t know back then either. As parents, we can only say so much to implore them to make the most of this time of in their lives. Free rent, free food, little or no bills. They have no idea what’s in store for them later in life. I can say with certainly that being an adult is overrated. They won’t know that for years to come. But for now, they only have to jump through the hoops of high school and get passing grades.

I’m sure we’ve all, at one time or another, wished we could go back to those carefree years. But only with the caveat of knowing what we know now. I’m pretty sure teenagers would disagree that they are in the carefree years, but we, as adults, know better. How different would things be if we possessed all the knowledge we have now and were able to go back to our high school years? We would all be rich and famous, successful and happy. In theory. But that’s not how it works. And probably for the better.

I am not rich or famous. I’m not successful. I do have happiness, but sometimes it’s overshadowed by the PTSD, depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, and life. Even so, I think I would miss out on too much if I went back and changed anything. All of my life experiences make me who I am today. If I changed one detail, I probably would not be who I am, I would be a different version of me. And who’s to say that person would be better or better off? As many hard knocks as I’ve had (most of which were brought on myself), how do I know this is the worst version of who I could have been? Everything has a trade-off.

I went to war, that changed me. I failed in business, that cost me. I’ve made a million bad decisions to become the person I am today, good or bad. And even though I struggle through life sometimes, as I wrote about last week, I don’t want to be anyone else except who I am right now. I would choose to not go back in time with all I have learned up to this point. Too much would be at risk.

To my children, make this your best school year yet. Put some effort into your studies. Go the extra mile in the sports you have chosen to participate in. Shine bright in the band. And above all, enjoy this time in your lives. You will never get this moment back. And the moments in the past cannot be changed. Period. Love y’all bunches. -Dad.

Thanks for reading this week. Good day, God bless.

Dave