Tag Archives: ramblings

Change

I just finished my second week at a new job. I’m no longer working in the airport, although I may or may not fill in a couple shifts a week as needed. I really liked that job. I miss most of the people I worked with. Unfortunately, I needed more hours than they could give me. The bills have to be paid. With the new job, getting 40 hours a week, that will be much easier now.

Back to Work

With every change there is an adjustment period. My new hours are later in the evening than I’ve been working the last year. I’m off around 10:30 each night, but I still need a couple hours to unwind. I’ve been staying up too late at night, I think because, before, I would have a few hours after work to relax and still get to bed by midnight. Now, a few hours after work takes me to around 3am. That’s a big adjustment, but I’ll get used to it.

Another change with the new job and hours is that I don’t get to see my kids as much. This is the hardest adjustment so far. I go to work about the time they are getting out of school and I don’t get off until after they are in bed. But we’ll make it work. I will have my boys spending the night with me tonight and since school is out Monday, I’ll have my girls Sunday night. Once summer break gets here, I’ll get to spend more regular time with them. This is only temporary.

My Hardest Job

My writing has also suffered. This new schedule has me way out of whack as far finding the time to write. When I wake up in the morning (sometimes not until noon), I don’t write. I need some time to fully wake up, eat, shower, and whatever else I need to do. Then, before I know it, it’s time to go to work. After work, I’m tired and don’t feel like writing. Granted, working on my novel has been hit or miss at best the last couple months anyway, but I always made time for my blog posts. This is the second week in a row I’m writing on Saturday instead of having it ready to go Saturday morning. I fell asleep the other night with a great post in mind, wrote it and rewrote it in my head. I couldn’t wait to put on paper the next day. I spent the whole next day trying to remember what that post was going to be. It’s probably gone forever.

I’m adjusting to my new job and the hours. I didn’t think it would be a huge adjustment, but I should have known better. I’ve always had some resistance to change, but the last few years, with the PTSD and depression diagnoses, change is much harder now than it ever was before. That’s why I didn’t seriously look for a new job when our hours first got cut. I liked where I was. I get into a routine, get comfortable, and I go with it. Now I’m getting into a new routine and it will be fine. I’m already comfortable in my new job surroundings. I guess I’m half way there, as far as adjusting

My goal for next week is to have my blog post ready in advance, like I used to do. And to have something a little more meaningful. This week is more of an update on me instead of some insightful discussion (at least to me some of my posts are insightful). If there was a price for admission, you’d be entitled to a refund this week. But thanks for stopping by anyway. I promise to do better next week. Good day, God bless.

Dave

Milestones and Reflections

This past week, my blog surpassed 400 followers from all over the world. Granted, that’s not a huge number, but it’s still an amazing milestone to me, considering I write for my own pleasure and therapy. I didn’t set out to create any kind of following for this site, only a place for me to put some thoughts somewhere, like a way to journal. Originally, Story of My Life was a place for me to do some writing during my deployment to Afghanistan and share a few things with my family and friends. After returning from war, I took a two-year break from posting here. I then started using Story of My Life again in February 2016, as an outlet for self-therapy and recovery. Based on the number of followers, comments and likes on the posts, it seems like a lot of people can relate to what I’m putting out there.

As I celebrate a very modest milestone, I also want reflect on Story of My Life and share with some of you that might not know the progression this blog has taken the last couple of years and why I post (almost) every week. I say progression of this blog, but in reality, it’s my progression. These are my thoughts, feelings, experiences that I share here. Some entries are comical or silly. Some are dark and painful. Some are rants, usually complaining about dealing with the VA. I’ve posted poetry and short fiction stories, but mostly, real-life stories of me surviving my life.

While my first blog post to Story of My Life was 5 years ago, it’s only been in the last two years that I started a new journey of using weekly writing as therapy and sharing my story with the world. The beginning of this new journey started with me opening up about a failed suicide attempt, being taken to the psych ward at the hospital in hand cuffs by the police, and being diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. From there, I shared what I saw as obvious irony in the fact that I attempted suicide, being that I was the lead trainer in suicide prevention training in most of my army reserve units. Ironic, in a twisted way, I know.

I’ve shared stories from my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan, stories about my kids, and I’ve written some entertaining fictional stories. I’ve touched a little on the end of my marriage and I’ve exposed some of the flaws with the VA that veterans have to deal with. I’ve written about the struggles I have from time to time with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve also written about some of the victories I’ve had the last two years, which include sharing a couple excerpts and progress from the novel I’m writing (yes, still working on that). I’ve written about the weather, traffic, youth sports, investing, the Mississippi River, and I’ve shared some about my civilian job in a few posts. I cover most everything that pops into my head in any given week. We can all see the pros and cons in that. But I do it anyway.

I write every week and post it here because it helps me. I am able to sort my thoughts and put them in some kind of order that makes sense to me. It’s a way to track my progress as well as my low points. Each post gives me a record of what I was doing or thinking and I can go back any time and see what was on my mind. I know, I can do the same thing without putting it on a blog, but I feel that making some of these stories public forces me to put more thought and effort into this project. And I know that my story helps other people, too, which is a bonus for my motivation to keep writing and sharing. Knowing there are people out there that can relate to my issues and mental illness is helpful to me as well. I appreciate all the likes and comments of support on my posts each week.

I do this for me. But I also do it for everyone else that hasn’t found their voice yet in speaking up comfortably about their own mental illness. I share it with the world so that someone that might be in the dark places of the mind, like I have been, know they aren’t alone. If you need help, reach out. If you know someone that needs help, help them find help. You don’t have to be a professional to help someone that is thinking about suicide. You only have to get them to someone that is (hospital, police, fire station, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255). Helping is easier than you think.

For those of you that might be new to Story of My Life and want to get a bigger picture of my story, below are some links to previous posts that will highlight my journey the last two years.

https://storyofmylife.blog/2016/02/06/battlefield/  (the beginning of my new journey)

Depressed

Suicidal Anonymous

PTSD Moments

My Worst War Memory

Thank you all for your support, I hope that I am returning the favor in some small way here. And thank you for stopping by this week. Good day, God bless.

Dave

Get Philosophized

Philosophy says that the early bird gets the worm. Ok. But the early worm gets eaten. I guess timing is everything. And it is. I used to drive a box truck for a produce company. If my truck wasn’t ready to go when I showed up for work at 4 a.m., I would be running late getting my route done. It was at least an hour drive from my starting point to my first stop. I needed be ahead of the morning traffic. Between Pensacola and Ft Walton Beach, there must have been 372 school zones (I exaggerate, of course, but it sure seemed like it). And if I didn’t leave on time, I would undoubtedly catch every one of those annoying school zones, one of which was less than 100 feet. If I didn’t leave on time, I would be at least an hour late just a few stops into my route. And my leaving on time was contingent upon the night loaders getting their job done and getting the trucks loaded.

On the flip side, when I did leave on time, I would have about an hour wait by my third stop. Nap time! The cab of the truck wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but a couple times a week, when the loaders got my truck ready on time, I would enjoy a short cat nap while waiting on the manager of that restaurant to show up and accept the delivery. Sometimes I was early, sometimes I was late. Being the early bird that gets the worm, or the worm that got told by customers he was late, all depended on someone else doing their job.

I really miss that job.

And on the subject of being early, why does my GPS offer me slower routes when I’m driving from Florida to South Carolina and back every month for my army reserve duty? It shows “This route is 34 minutes slower.” “This route is 15 minutes slower.” I’ve seen it give a slower route by an hour and 15 minutes while driving. Why? Why would I want a slower route? If I didn’t care what time I arrived, I wouldn’t be using my GPS. But honestly, I mostly use it for traffic updates and an estimated time of arrival. But really, why try to sell me on a slower route? It’s more than an 8-hour drive one way. I don’t want to go slower. I just want to get there and take a nap.

Another philosophical anomaly is seeing a glass half empty or half full. Who came up with that? I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but that’s just ridiculous. Let me explain. I’m a very analytical person. I need more information than just a cylindrical container being at 50% capacity. The truth is, if you are filling the glass and stop halfway, it’s half full. If it’s full to start with, and you drink half of it, it’s half empty. This same equation works for beer, except that with beer it’s always half empty. No one starts out with only half a beer.

Lastly, let’s look at “I think, therefore, I am.” I like that one. But I still have questions. Do I exist because I think? Or do I think because I exist? What about some of the people we deal with on a daily basis that make us scratch our heads when they think? Come spend a day with me at the airport I work at and you’ll see what I mean. I guess when Descartes came up with “I think, therefore I am,” he didn’t add an addendum that it has to be intelligent thought. I guess his glass was half full.

Thanks for stopping this week and getting philosophized. And since I skipped last week, Happy New Year. May your 2018 be as good as you make it. Well, that statement is an interesting bit of philosophy. Think about that for a while. Good day, God bless.

Dave

My List Is Complete

About twenty years ago I managed a pizza delivery store in Panama City Beach for a couple of friends of mine. During the spring break season, we were open 24 hours a day. It was busy. According to our food distributor, we were the busiest independent pizza store in the country based on how much cheese we ordered each week during that time. MTV was in town covering the festivities of party-goers, Spinnaker and La Vela were packed every night, and the strip was bumper to bumper traffic for miles all day, and continuing late into the night. Needless to say, getting everything done each day was a monumental task.

One of the guys I worked for there was a list-keeper. Everything he needed to do was on a list. It wasn’t always the neatest looking lists, but it worked for him. He kept everything in Steno pads. And he always seemed to have everything crossed off his list at the end of the day, for the most part. I was impressed with his ability to get it all done, but also not happy with myself for never finishing my list and always having to move things to the next day. I was a great manager, but for some reason, I could never cross everything off my list.

I finally asked him one day, “How do you get it all done? You have a page full of stuff, the same as me, but you get a lot more of it done than I do.” His reply changed my life. Well, that’s a little dramatic, but his words certainly have stayed with me for more 20 years. It was so simple. I still use his strategy today. He said, “When I get something done, I add it to my list and check it off.” Mind blown. Eyes opened. Life changed. The philosophy of that simple idea is amazingly deep.

He would start his list with what was important to be accomplished. It might only be a small handful of things. As he would get things done throughout the day, he would add those things to his list. Since those things were already done, as he added him to the list, he would check them off. That’s brilliant. Do you realize how much stuff we actually get done in a day? If you made a list, you would know. And if you knew how much you do get done, maybe you wouldn’t beat yourself up for not completing your to-do list, a list that might be unrealistic to begin with.

As 2017 draws to a close, I look back on the year and I know I did not even come close to getting all the things done that I wanted to this year. If I had made a list at the beginning of the year of all the things I wanted to get done in 2017, that list would still need some work, or the year would need to be extended. But I won’t lament or lose any sleep about not finishing my hypothetical list. I will, however, be happy with what I did accomplish, even if some of it is trivial or perhaps less productive in the big picture of life as I see it. I still got a lot done this year. I survived. And that is a rather huge accomplishment in and of itself in some respects.

I finish this year broke, but none of my bills are behind. Except my student loans, which will likely never get paid. I didn’t get much done this year on the novel I’m writing, but I estimate that I wrote about 30,000 words to my blog in 2017. Neither of those endeavors pay the bills. I really just want to make a living as a writer, but I like the job I have and the people I work with. I’m not where I want to be in life, but I am certainly not where I was a short while ago, which is a good thing. I didn’t finish everything on my list for 2017, but I am pretty happy with what I did get done, including the less important things I added to the list as I went along.

My friends, do not make an overwhelming list for yourself that you cannot finish. Once you start moving things to the next day, it becomes easier and easier to keep doing that. You will never get it done that way. Pick a few things that are important. As you move throughout your day, week, or year, add to your list the other, less important things you get done and check them off. You’ll be surprised by how much you really get done, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Happy New Year to you all. May 2018 be a year of checking off the important things on our lists and realizing how important the things not on the list are that we get done as well.

Thanks for stopping by this year. Hope to see you in 2018. Good day, God bless.

Dave

10 Days to Hell

As I’ve mentioned before, my psychiatrist at the VA changed how I can get my medications. I don’t like it. It doesn’t make any sense to have get them through the mail when I can go to the local military base, or even to the local VA clinic. But for some reason, my doctor says I can only get them through the mail-order system provided by the VA.

My New VA Psychiatrist

I called the automated system to reorder my prescriptions on November 8th when I had about 5 doses left. It usually takes a week. It’s not a big deal if I have to miss one or two nights of medication. But the one I need has yet to show up. On about the fifth day after running out, I called the automated system. The voice said the meds were sent out on the 10th, to give it ten days to show up. Liars.

On or around the sixth day without my medication, I was noticeably becoming unwell. My focus and thoughts were not good. I was more irritable than normal, more blunt than usual, and becoming severely depressed. By day 8, my anxiety of not having my medication coupled with everything else I just mentioned was overwhelming. I could feel it physically in my body, mostly in my head and neck. My head felt like it was being crushed by pressure. The headaches were incredible and nothing helped.

By day 9, I was overly emotional. Everything set me off. I felt hungover. I felt like I had not slept in days. My entire body was uncomfortable and shaky. The pressure behind my eyes caused vision problems. It was like blurry tunnel vision. I know much of the physical manifestations were anxiety that came from not having my medication and wondering if were coming at all. I was beginning to become dysfunctional.

Day 10. I hated my life. I hated people, even more than normal. I hated my job. I hated everything. At work that day, one of my co-workers asked if I were ok. She said I looked like I wanted to kill someone. I was in a very bad place in my mind. I was scared for myself. It only took ten days to get to hell from where I started. That seems like a very fast fall to me. Ten days is not a very long time.

During the ten days I would call the automated system for updates. Each time the voice on the other end of the line told me the same thing. The medication was mailed out on the 10th and to allow 10 days for delivery. On the 21st I found a way to call the after-hours emergency nurse at a VA call center. She made notes of our call that would be sent to my local VA clinic to my primary care doctor and the psychiatrist. The next morning, the primary care nurse called to tell me I could pick up a supply of my medication.

The VA is Killing Me

I eventually spoke with the mental health nurse, days later, after the emergency had passed. I found out the medication was still in “pre-ship” on their tracking system and has yet to be sent. All the while I was holding out hope that it would show up in the mail each day, being told by the automated computer voice that it had been sent out more than a week ago, trying to keep my head above water and survive the darkness of my mind and the horrible thoughts that were taunting me. But I was being lied to.

The Department of Veterans affairs is broken system. And the face of that system for me is Dr. Elaine Ramos at the Eglin VA clinic. Dr. Ramos, you are failing at your job. You are failing me. Those little diplomas on the wall in your office are worthless if you don’t care about your patients and what is best for them. Do your job, doctor.

Dr. Ramos can kiss my ass. I hope the rest of you have a wonderful week. Thanks for stopping by. Good day, God bless.

Dave