But Wait, There’s More

My life lately feels like one of those cheesy infomercials from the 90’s where a washed up musician would try to peddle a greatest hits compilation of various artist of his era. Or even try to sell his own music because he can’t get a gig anywhere and no one really remembers what his one hit was until they watch the commercial. I can hear the announcer in the background saying, “And the hits just keep on coming.” And at the final sales pitch he says, “But wait, there’s more.” That’s the story of my life, the hits in life just keep on coming. And you guessed it, there’s always more.

Recently my debit card was compromised on the other side of the country. My card had to be turned off and a new one came in the mail. But not soon enough. I had forgotten about that and tried to check out at the grocery store before I got the new one. Oops. Then the electricity was turned off because I didn’t pay the bill on time. It did get turned back on a few hours later as I scrambled to get the air conditioning going again for the comfort of the kids. The VA continues to be a thorn in my side. I do not understand how they can mess up so many things and not even care. They would go out of business if they were a commercial entity. And to top everything off, my wife, who moved out in March, is now moving back in because obviously I can’t take care of the kids like I thought I could. It’s my own fault.

I cannot begin to describe the lowness of this. This feeling of being an utter failure. I am not unfamiliar with failing. I’ve failed pretty good in my life before, many times. But I would get back up, dust myself off, and look for the next great challenge. I was never really afraid of failing, it’s part of life. Shake it off and move on. I do not seem to have that in me anymore. No more seeking challenges, I have an overload of them already. No more getting back up off the mat, I am beat. I feel like I am down for the count, been punched in the face too many times now. Before you read too much into this, no, I am not having ideas of suicide again. I am accepting that I have failed and there’s nothing that will make this one better in the near future.

I don’t have the money for an attorney to start the process of filing for divorce. I guess that’s a good thing since I would not ‘win’ anyway. What judge in his right mind would award me the kids with my track record? PTSD, anxiety, major depression, a failed suicide attempt last year, no job? Seriously, what was I thinking when I thought I could pull this off? I can’t. I give up. She can move back in. I’ll find a place to go somewhere eventually. Then I’ll look like the one that left and be the bad guy, that’s fine. I don’t mind. Eventually, I’ll end up being one of those deadbeat dads that I despise. You know, the jackass that can’t support his kids. I guess I’m there already. Yep, another new low in my life.

I might catch hell for this post. With the estranged wife moving back in to the spare bedroom, this post will likely only make things worse between us. No, I’m not doing this to piss her off. I’m doing this because I have not written much on this topic of my life and I need to. I write, I share it, and I feel better. It’s what I do, that’s my process. I wonder if my deeper depression the last couple months was exacerbated by not writing about being separated when I wanted to. I had chosen not to write too many details about my failing marriage because I don’t want things to become more contentious between the ex and I, because we still have to raise the kids, and it’s just easier if we aren’t arguing. But we argue anyway. So, for my own therapy, I’m going to write what I want, what’s on my mind. And I will feel better for it.

That’s the plan. We’ll see how it works out. My plans haven’t fared well for a while now. I am way overdue for something good to happen. And I know it’s not near as bad as it feels. I know it could be worse. I’m just tired of everything being all uphill. And I think for the first time in my life I’m scared of failing. Not failing like when I’ve lost multiple businesses over the years. Not like failing when I dropped out of college with only two semesters left a couple years ago. Not even the way my mind and body are failing and not being able to do all the things I used to do, military or otherwise. But I’m scared of failing when it really matters.

Thanks for reading this week. Take care, God bless.

Dave

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13 thoughts on “But Wait, There’s More”

  2. Dave, There is no failure only lessons to be learned and not repeated, if we are able to learn the lesson. I love that you always write from a place of truth. Truth has two faces one that wants to sink you and one that wants you to grow…leaning forward and moving forward. Everyday, I make a decision on which truth I will choose, and I am better for it. My truth is looking in the face of God always. I will continue to pray for you,prayers of healing, hope, faith and love. GOD BLESS.

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  3. Hey David,
    I like what my father in law says, people and mistakes can teach what to do or what not to do. I have known you since back before you had kids, PTSD, depression or the struggles of life. I always admired that you took risk to try to accomplish your dreams. I know things are not like you pictured them, but it a year you can look back and see how far you’ve come. Don’t use other people ruler to measure your life. I’m not where I thought I would be but I’m in a great place. I love you and pray for you and your family.
    Blessings
    Gena

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  4. Don’t let what others think of you beat you down, negative people only bring negativity to your life, get away from as many as you can and only surround yourself with people who support you. It’s hard to start over, but it can be done! Hope all goes well! ((hugs)) Ladybuggz

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  7. My only quick, easy answer is more practical than about your content. I’ll come up with something about that, but not yet. What I do when I HAVE to scream at someone or something — I write a blog post, but don’t “publish” it, I save it as a draft. I admit there’s something wonderful about having a community of commenters about life’s ups and downs, it sure alleviates the loneliness, but there are times when the act of posting something just doesn’t make it better.

    I have about 3 concurrent lives: the one in my head with PTSD, the one on the ‘net, and the one with other people. I can be suckered into thinking the ‘net is real, because I talk about real things here, but writing isn’t doing — and most of my problems need doing to solve them, not writing. So I force myself away from the computer. And what happens in my head isn’t either the doing or the writing. Both of those are way too orderly to be compared to the mess in my brain!

    As usual, I don’t know if anything here will help — but it’s what I know.
    Blessings —
    J

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  8. I am similar to Teacup in that I often write “drafts”. I know how easy it is t think of yourself as a failure ~ even without PTSD and the emotional issues. During the (4) years I fought the whistleblower battle I cashed in savings, pension I’d been accruing forever & used every cent in my checking. I went from comfortable to having utilities disconnected. Sometimes just putting gas in the Honda pained me. What kept me going was looking at my daughter (and the drafts of course). When I looked at her I saw a vibrant, healthy young person who wasn’t into substance abuse or breaking the law. Who was employed as a LEO and respected. Only then did I realize that I couldn’t really be a f****d up failure because a failure couldn’t have raised and imparted such good values into another person. The debit card? The empty wallet? It WILL pass. Maybe not today or even next week, but it will pass. And write about the acrimony of your failed marriage because writing is cathartic. Perhaps there’s a way you can limit the audience for those posts (WP dummy here). Remember Dave, it really does take 2 people to make a marriage work and 2 people to bring it down. Oh yes! A failure would not have served his country as you so proudly did.

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    • This post was a meltdown on my part. I reserve that right once in a while. Lol. It is what it is. I put it out there. I’m sure it will be a long while before I melt down like that again. But it happens.

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