I’m ok, I promise

I’m ok, I promise. That’s what I tell people sometimes. And I when I do, I mean it. It’s usually at the end of a conversation when I’ve admitted some things in my life that I’m dealing with or struggling with. I’m writing this post so I can share that I’m struggling, but I’m ok, I promise. Everything I’ve posted has been the real me, but I don’t always go into details. I don’t always share everything. I don’t always share all the darkest parts of my life or what’s going on in my mind. However, what I do share seems to be getting some great responses from people that can relate. To be honest, some of the responses lead me to believe that some of you think I have my shit together. For those of you that know me personally, you know I don’t. You know that I am much better than I was last year, but you also know that I have much work to do and a long road left to go.

About the responses I’ve been getting, I couldn’t be more thrilled and humbled at the same time. A fellow blogger and army veteran contacted me via email because of my blog and we’ve been emailing back and forth, encouraging each other. He has PTSD among other things, far worse than I do. But he let me know that my story helped him. Helped him enough that he even told his VA counselor about my blog. That is a huge encouragement to me because I didn’t set out to be anyone’s angel or savior. My blog was designed for my own personal therapy. But I admit, helping others makes me feel better about what I am doing here.  And I’ve found quite a few blogs that I find very encouraging myself.

Another fellow blogger asked me in the comments of one of my posts about helping a friend that was suicidal. I told her to email me. We exchanged a few emails about her friend, I told her what I would do in that situation. Being a subject matter expert in suicide prevention in the army helps me to give sound advice in such circumstances. (and yes, the irony is not lost on me that I’m a leader in suicide prevention, yet I tried to kill myself). I followed up with her for a couple days and her friend ended up being safe. Not from anything I did, not at all.  But that a fellow blogger that I’ve never met thought to ask me how to help in that situation was another reassurance that I’m making a positive impact on people with my writing.

Recently, a fellow blogger gave me a shout out on his blog, saying that my blog was the encouragement he needed to tell more of his story. He had been wondering if he should share or how he should share. He has PTSD and other issues but is now getting more comfortable in sharing more of his story. I know how liberating, and also scary, it can be to share my story and I’m glad he decided to follow suit. I know he will find some self-healing in his endeavors. And again, I didn’t set out to have that effect on him, but it makes me feel good that I make a difference to people I’ve never even met.

I share these stories because it seem like some of you seem to think I have it all together, but I don’t. I am moving in the right direction, but I’m nowhere close to the finished product. I’m a million miles passed the total darkness I was in last year, but I still struggle. Not as much, but I do. Only about six weeks ago I was struggling bad enough that I needed to reach out to an old army chaplain friend of mine. (Yeah, CH K, I called you old, sorry, LOL). He visited me in the hospital last year after my failed suicide attempt and keeps up with me from time to time. I was having horrible, potentially suicidal thoughts, so I reached out to him. I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself, but the thoughts were overwhelming.

In some of my lesser struggles, I have reach out to a number of other friends. I tell them what’s going in my life or my mind and I always finish with, “I’m ok, I promise.” I just need to talk sometimes to make sure I don’t get stuck on the road I was on last year that included me trying to take my own life. After my failed suicide attempt, I must have promised a hundred people that if I noticed anything in me that resembled the feelings or mindset that almost cost me life, I would reach out. I have kept that promise. And I will continue to keep that promise.  And I will continue to write about it.

I know that I’m not completely well, and I recognize that. But I’m ok, I promise.   And I’m getting better most days. It’s an ebb and flow kind of thing with me, as I’m sure it is for all of us. I’ll do well for a few days, have a bad day, and then do well again. That’s part of the healing process and living with PTSD and major depression and sleep issues and nightmares and anger issues and marital separation and life in general. Life isn’t easy, but it’s good now. At least mine is good right now in comparison to where I was last year. If you haven’t read my post from February titled Battlefield (https://davidegeorge.wordpress.com/2016/02/06/battlefield/), I encourage you to read it and see the progress I’ve made since that night I almost died, that night I should have died.

Thank you all for the positive feedback and for allowing me and my blog to be part of your life in some little way. This was all created for my own therapy and to give my family some insight into what I’ve gone through, where I’m at, and where I’m going. What all this has turned in to is amazing and humbling to me. And very encouraging. I feel like I have a purpose here and almost an obligation now to my readers to continue doing what I do. I will continue to post every Saturday for my own therapy. I will continue to share all this with the world in case it helps someone else. Share your story, you never who it might reach or help. Thank you for taking the time to read Story of my Life. And, I’m ok, I promise.

Good day, God bless.

Dave

30 thoughts on “I’m ok, I promise”

  1. What a wonderful and inspirational entry! You’re keeping it real and that’s what life is about. You don’t claim to have all the answers nor do you whine because you don’t. The road to self discovery is rife with curves and stumbling blocks but accepting and acknowledging that (which you have done) is half the battle. Stay on course and you will continue to heal yourself and help so many others in the process. Finally, a huge thank you for your service to our country.

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  4. Hey Dave, I really liked your Blog today. I know you are going through a lot, but you are making Progress. Your Blogs have been a help to others as well as Yourself. I am Proud of you and Look forward every Saturday to read your Blogs. I would love to get with you and listen to you. Maybe later this Summer, unless you are coming in June. God Bless, Love Ya POP

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  5. I am so glad that you are “okay”, but I get the idea of the struggle each day. Life is challenging enough, even on a good day. Add to that all of the other “stuff” and it can be overwhelming and suck the “okay” out of anyone, especially someone who has a lot to deal with already. I’m also glad that you are getting such a positive response from your blog, I truly love to read your writing. It’s nice to hear that it not only helps the people who read it, but it helps you the writer as well. Keep sharing and feeling okay. I’ll keep reading and thinking good thoughts for you.

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  6. You are very inspirational and encouraging. I always try to read your posts as soon as I have time. I’m glad you are doing better than you were last year. I hope that continues! Wonderful post! Looking forward to your next!

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  7. Just keep on being you and moving in a good direction, no matter how long it takes. Healing is a bitch, I know but its also worth it and it comes with good days and bad days, trust me I know. When you can look back and see your progress though that’s a good thing, and wellll just how many of us do have our shit together? *I don’t that’s for sure but I strive every day to keep it together and that’s all we can do… 🙂

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    • Exactly. I do pretend that I have it together, but in a healthy way. I let people know that I’m faking it. But I think part of my progress is being able to fake it when I have to instead of being a mess all the time.

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      • Yes and hopefully some day you wont have to fake it, but it will be the real deal. Fake it until you make it so to speak. As for me I think I’m just too damned stubborn to let it get the best of me…lol

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  8. Being a survivor of domestic abuse I believe I have changed a great deal in the past 23 years. Now married to my best friend. I no longer have the nightmares and other issues. With that said I do not know if it all goes away. I went to a shower last weekend. My X’s wife sat next to me. It churned up so much old junk I thought I was done with. I wanted to ask her if she was alright or if he was abusing her. When I arrived home my husband was patient with my ramblings that I needed to vent. I am glad you are journaling so others can know they are not the only ones.

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  10. Dr. Watson, it’s good therapy. 😉

    I’m glad to be reading you. Thank you for reading me.

    I’m okay, I promise…oh, how many times do we say that? We mean it…for us, it’s okay, for now, we promise.

    That’s perfect, really really perfect, for today. Thank you.

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  11. Thank you for liking my blog. I read this passage, and it made me think. Ending your statements with “I’m okay, I promise” is deceiving. Not that your being deceptive, just that I know you have probably said those words when you weren’t. We who suffer from mental illness will NOT yell anyone we are NOT ok, because what would they do anyway? Telling someone “If I feel suicidal, I’ll call you” doesn’t work either, because if you are down in that dark hole, there is not even the possibility that you can reach out, because you are alone in your head.
    I hope, and am glad that you have found a little peace, and am happy you have shined a light into someone else’s darkness, people have to shine the light, because we don’t have one sometimes.

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  12. The one thing I can say is that after 40+ years of not knowing wtf was wrong and around 16 years of knowing that I’ve got PTSD/abuse issues, for me? It’s all about management. Some days that’s easy; some days impossible. You seem to have figured that out. It doesn’t mean you never backslide or PTSD doesn’t bite you on the ass — because you will and it does. If you’ve figured THAT out, you’re doing pretty good! Give yourself credit for the progress. It’s f’n hard.

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