I’ve been struggling lately. Bouts of depression. Anxiety. Easily irritable. Minor anger issues, not eating right, and certainly not sleeping right. Weird, vivid dreams. Some about war, some about normal everyday life, but all of them so intense they turn out to be a nightmare. My body doesn’t feel good, I’m in persistent pain. I’m always tense, I can feel how tight my shoulders and neck are. I try to relax, but it doesn’t work. My breathing is not right. My focus and attention to detail is off. Way off. And lately I speak my mind without filter more than ever now, so, I sound like a dick. But if it’s the truth, get over it. Because I really don’t care. I do not subscribe to being politically correct. I never really have.

I think one of my issues is my medications. I’m not taking them like I should. I’m out of one of them and have started rationing the other one. Hopefully, my refills will be here soon. The first refills were sent automatically. Apparently, that was a one-time deal. I didn’t know to call and get the refills sent until I was almost out. The VA is genius about that stuff. Or they’re stupid. Or they just don’t care. (I’m going with curtain 3, they don’t care). And I’m still pissed at my new psychiatrist for changing how I can get my medications. If she had just let me keep getting them at the military base like I have for more than a year now, I would not be out of one and almost out of the other. I might be able to sleep at night and not worry about if I’m going to run out of them. I might be able to wake up feeling rested. She’s an ass. I plan on telling her that at my next appointment. Anyone want to go babysit me at my next appointment so I don’t need bail money?

Another issue is work, my job. I love my job. And I love the bond I have with most of the other employees. But the drama, stupidity, and selfishness of a few of them is more than I want to deal with. I’m losing my motivation to keep being the awesome employee I have been since the beginning. I’m not really that awesome, but I work my butt off, never call out sick, and actually care about doing the job right. What I don’t understand is how some people can just stop doing their job just because they aren’t happy about something or someone. Get over it and do your damn job. Stop leaving other people hanging. I helped open that restaurant. I cleaned, I painted, I organized, I helped get the doors open. And I worked my ass off doing it. I feel like I have a stake in it. Or I used to feel that way. Not so much anymore. I told the corporate boss that I’m updating my resume, but I haven’t actually done that yet to put it out there. We’ll see if anything gets fixed soon. But I’ve already had a job offer in the last couple weeks before it got this bad at work, so maybe I won’t have to update my resume after all. We’ll see.

The third thing that has me discombobulated is where I’m at in the army reserves. (Yes, I used discombobulated, that’s your word of the day to use in conversation). The unit I’m part of doesn’t seem to have their shit together. Even my Sergeant Major suggested I write my congressman. He’s retiring this month, so it’s probably not a huge concern to him if a Congressional Inquiry gets opened. He wasn’t prepared for my response last month when he asked me what was going on. I think any other Sergeant Major would have done paperwork on me for the things that came out of my mouth. I won’t go into detail since I still wear the uniform, but the army (at least in the reserves), seems to not care about the fact that I’m not right since coming back from my last deployment. Both physically and mentally. I don’t care if I stay in or they put me out, I just want them to take ownership of the pains I’ve endured. I want them to acknowledge the problems I developed that are a direct result of serving my country. I’m damaged goods now, they can’t fix me. But they can take responsibility for it.

(Damn it, I burned my popcorn. I need a new microwave. Or maybe I shouldn’t use the one I have while drinking.) Add burnt popcorn to my list of life-crisis issues. The current reality of my life is that even burnt popcorn contributes to the funk swirling around me. And I’ve only skimmed the surface of my troubles in this post. Or at least what I view as my troubles, the things that bother me, the things I dwell on. And how did popcorn make the list? Never mind, we just covered that. I’m struggling. Everything is on the list.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am struggling. But I am not in danger. I am not a threat to myself or anyone else. My outlet is here, where I write. This is my therapy. I’m ok, I promise. Thank you for reading this week. Good day, God bless.


(Between writing and posting this entry, my meds showed up in the mail, so that’s a good thing. I guess better late than never).

12 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Hm. Here’s what I do when the entire world is F’d again.

    I try to insulate myself as much as possible. . . it usually is either better or worse tomorrow. I “float” as I call it. I put off doing anything which might change my life while things are wrong.

    I hide as much as I can when I’m feeling like the world is F’d. I watch video, I read, I go for long drives, I do anything which isn’t destructive and will just keep the stupid monkey brain busy until I can sleep. I do what I have to do and do “busy work” to keep the stupid monkey from turning into a vampire pulling me into a black hole.

    I use every trick I know to try and get to sleep, earlier than I “want” to: reading, orgasm, pretending to go to sleep (works way better than I ever expected), a small glass of wine, etc. If I knew meditation, I’d try that.

    If I could take antidepressants, I’d probably change my schedule around to take one around the time I went to bed (assuming they’re relaxing) although since I can’t take any relaxants, antidepressants, etc. I really don’t know if that would work? And I’m talking out of my head and without any experience or knowledge about this one.

    I do know if I can just get more sleep, the rest of it all seems easier. If I can’t, the depression gets worse, everything gets worse and it escalates as I get more sensitive, etc.

    So, what I do? Try to put off making decisions which change my life. Keep the monkey busy and try and get more sleep. Does this solve anything? No. It seems to just make it easier to deal.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry. I really hate when I can control what’s going on inside myself. Controlling what happens around me….lost cause. Haha. I’m glad your meds arrived because going off them or even tapering van reek havoc on your mood. I’m not a huge fan of meds for that reason however I do know some are needed. Hopefully one day you won’t need them anymore. Please research each medicine you take and understand your reactions to them. Doctors are just doctors. They don’t fully understand the mess they prescribe. They are sold on them, just like we are. You’re always the one and only expert on your body. Just a little advice after managing two parents and two children’s health. Don’t trust someone else to do it.

    The popcorn…stick to 2 minutes. Anything else will fail you. Haha.

    As I said in one post recently, anger comes from hurt. Once you figure out where that pain is coming from, how to free yourself from it and forgive the source of the pain (whether they deserve it or not…it’s for your mental health) you will feel better. I’m still working on this as well.

    Thank you for your service to our country. I don’t think you guy/girls get what you deserve. Not even close. I’m sorry for your struggles from serving. I’m not even going to try to understand what this feels like. Just remember you only have this day to get through tomorrow may be better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cannot believe the VA can’t dependably get you the meds that they themselves prescribe, sheesh. What a messed up system. I’m glad you received them, finally.
    Late meds, sleepless nights, shoulder and neck pain, incompetent? psychiatrist, unreliable co-workers … no wonder you feel the struggle of it all. Who said Life is like a box of chocolates? It’s more often like burnt popcorn. I hope tomorrow is better : )) Probably it will be, so hang in there to catch the better. I wish I could write with as much candor as you do – it’s awesome, thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

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